Bandwagon? Nah...

For a really long time, I have been aware of a character trait of mine. 

I don't like band wagons.

No, I LOATHE bandwagons.

It seems to me that people will generally jump on a certain wagon because they want something. Conformity. Acceptance. Invisibility. Involvement.

I am sure there are many reasons. I've just never been one to want those things by joining the crowd.

For instance, owls.

My mother used to embroider gorgeous, intensely detailed owls. I envied her that talent, but I had zero patience to learn for myself how to do it.  I hoped she may make me one someday.

Back to the point, about 15 years ago, owls became the new in thing. They appeared freaking everywhere. Home decor, clothing, fabric. Cutesy little cartoon styled owls. And I no longer cared to have one in my home. 

Another example...

Many of my friends through the years have had an absolute passion for shopping. They can spend hours in a store, looking at every single piece of clothing, every single home decor item, every "as seen on TV" gadget. They would show me every single thing and ask my opinion. 

Let me be very clear.

I cannot STAND shopping unless it is absolutely necessary. I would rather be bedbound for life than go shopping like that. I prefer to get in, get what I need and then get out.

I have known and acknowledged my absolute abhorrence for bandwagons for a long time. I've just never really understood why. I never even wondered. It's just been something that I've known and accepted.

These last 2 years have only reinforced the idea that I am not a "sheeple" style joiner. I kinda hate that term, but at the moment it is the only thing my tired little brain come up with.

But it wasn't until tonight that I began to understand at least part of the reason why this has developed into such a strong opinion.

S and I are rewatching Grey's Anatomy. When Richard's AA sponsor is admitted to Seattle Grace, she senses that he is struggling with his sobriety, so she insists on hold a meeting in her hospital room for him. As the group of attendees recited the Serenity Prayer, it kind of hit me. 

When I was younger, my Dad began to drift from the church. My traumatized tiny self was heartbroken. He found a faith that worked for him and began to try to get me involved. He began attending ACA (adult children of alcoholics) and began teaching me the principles they taught.

**Side Note**

I've never been able to "feel" of the gentle peace when I am in other churchs besides an LDS chapel. Other churches seem beautiful and ornate, but there is a hollow feel to them. I've often wondered if it was because the building was old. Say 1950's or older. But in LDS chapels, temples and other buildings, no matter their age, there is a calming stillness that seeps into every part of me.

**ONWARDS!**

Having my dad teach me principles of other faiths or ideologies felt hollow. Missing something. So my brain kind of switches off. I feel like I am only hearing a shell of what real truth is when I was used to hearing AND feeling the lesson.

Why is this so difficult to explain!

Anyway. AA, NA, ALANoN... Groups that were recruiting member in droves. I have been to a couple of meetings. But I couldn't feel anything so I never went back.

So hearing that Serenity Prayer kind of made me think. I hate conformity. I was not made to fit IN. I don't believe that I was made to stand out, but I was definitely not made to fit in. 

It's interesting to me how much I am getting to know myself lately. 

Aw crap...

Does this mean I'm a grown up now???