Another Win
I graduated today.
Not in the sense that one would normally consider. I didn't attend formal schooling and I didn't march in a ceremonial procession.
I graduated from therapy.
It was a hard won achievement for me and I am immensely proud of myself.
I finished up with Cognitive Processing Therapy and that was the hardest I've worked in a long time. But as I worked through the program and did (most of) what I was supposed to do, I began to truly wake up and look around with clearer vision and sharper hearing. My senses, both physical and spiritual, were alert and focused.
Digging out those stuck points was exhausting. I remember shaking and crying as I wrote my impact statement at the beginning. I remember the anger coursing through my body as the memory of endless hurts surged forward.
For a long time, I have compared my healing to the villain, Hexxus, from the movie Fern Gully. (Super excited for the live action!) He is an entity that thrives on pollution. He is inky black, wraith like and able to reach his slimy tendrils into even the smallest of places.
That is my past. Darker than black, appearing when least expected then disappearing as quickly as it had come, reaching into my very soul to canker and destroy it.
CPT focused on my stuck points. And what I found astonished me.
It began in a Bishop's office when i was ten or so. A harsh word under the guise of being a priesthood holder and my path was drastically altered.
What I discovered was that I understood how and why that meeting came about. And while I still have some triggers that are more sensitive than I like, I can see things so much more objectively.
Last week, I had an absolute shake up. Everything I had been taught came into question. And I was terrified. But I turned straight to the Lord and His answer was swift. I know the direction I am to go and I finally understand that I have purpose.
This new feeling is one of calm, something I have been searching for my entire life. And I learned!
I learned that I do not regret a single momemt of my life. Not a single one. Everything I went through led me to where I am and I am so incredibly happy.
I learned that I have purpose and meaning. That everything I've been working towards is here, right now. And so I vowed to enjoy every moment.
I learned that I am far smarter than I have ever given myself credit for. I learn differently than others and that is one of my biggest strengths.
I learned that I am still very much connected to my Father in Heaven and that I can hear Him far more than I ever believed.
I learned that I am not defined by anyone but myself.
I learned that I'm kind of a big deal.
I'm so proud of myself. I hope to be able to find the piece I wrote in one of my darker moments 9 or 10 years ago and post it. The difference is mind blowing.
