Do You Know How It Feels...

Do you know how it feels?
Do you know how it feels to meet someone and be absolutely floored by their kindness? To be treated with decency and compassion? 
The day I met him, I was sick with worry and fear. He spoke words of support and kindness, then laughed with me and offered shelter and safety.
I was still scared, because, well, I was severely broken. But I held onto the belief that the Lord wouldn't forsake me. And He has never let me down.
Do you know how it feels to be cared for? Invited to participate in someone's life? Do you know how it feels to fight falling in love and being completely unsuccessful? Do you know how that feels?
I fought falling for him because he told me not to. He told me that he was never going to get married again. He told me he wouldn't change for anyone. 
I still fell for him. Hard.
The fear I felt when I realized where I was nearly crippled me. He knew there was something wrong and kept at me until I finally broke and explained.
Do you know how it feels to have the person that you love pull you into his arms and tell you it's okay? Do you know how it feels to have him explain that the reason he told you not to love him and you nearly collapse from relief?
Do you know how it feels to have a solid partner that sticks by your side through so many traumatic to you situations? To have a hand to hold, a hug whenever you need it, and the solidarity while you heal? To have his complete support while you bring your family back together?
Do you know how it feels to be given a clear answer from the Lord as to who this man is for you?
I know every single one of these and so many more.
I also know how it feels to have that taken from you. I know how it feels to watch him battle his demons and nearly lose. I know how it feels to hear him say that he doesn't love me, how it feels to remember when he told me he loved me and then tell me he can't.
I know how it feels to want desperately to know where he is at, to know what he is thinking and feeling. I know what it is like to be too afraid to push for fear of pushing him fully away. To not know what is going to happen next. And I know how it feels to just smile, to keep laughter in my voice.
I will survive. I have survived worse. But this pain, this limbo is crippling. Even remembering what the Lord told me, this is so very difficult.
I don't know what is going to happen.
And I hate not knowing.

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