Big Mad

I'm angry.

And I don't even know how to explain it, it's so involved.

I feel like you have been competing with me since the moment you found out you were pregnant. You have always claimed that you knew I was a girl from the moment of conception. What happened, in your head, that made you feel the need to compete with a developing fetus???? What made you choose to be cruel from the moment of my birth? Why did you try so very hard to squash everything that makes me who I am?

For decades, I have fought the feeling that I didn't belong. You tried so very hard make me fit in... And you did it by using YOUR standards.

You worked so very hard to create a cookie cutter of you. And you ever so thoughtfully included the abuse portion.

You CHOSE to stay as you were. 

You CHOSE to believe that you knew better than every professional. Because clearly you had all the time in the world to not only learn their profession, but become an expert in it!

Medicine, law, human resources, accounting, janitorial services... That list is endless. 

You CHOSE to perpetuate the image that you followed the teachings of Jesus Christ. And then stood in my kitchen and were ugly and cruel, claiming Christ would be reacting the same way. 

What. The. Fuck.

You know what? 

Fuck it.

I'm gonna let you have all of this shit. I am done protecting you.

You once told me that as early as 2 months old, you would leave me screaming in my crib for hours. You wouldn't get off the phone because you were so desperate for friends. Years later, at the Taylorsville house, you whined about not having any friends. How the fuck is that MY problem??

I knew at the time that you wanted a friendship like you saw other mothers and daughters having. And I tried. It's just that my efforts weren't what you wanted. You always managed to get just the right tone in your voice to make me comply with YOUR way. My way may have been better but we will never know because you refused. So many times you wouldn't even remotely choose my way. You wouldn't even compromise. 

I once read a letter that you wrote to Marci Cumberland. You enumerated to her my many flaws and how much of a disappointment I was to you. I would have been about ten or so when you wrote it. Wow. Just wow.

I remember many times when you expected me, as a minor, to be responsible for you. Your moods, your actions, your words.

You never learned how to regulate your own emotions, so you never knew to help me learn how. While I can give you grace for that, I cannot forget the fact that you never even tried to learn how. You never tried to do better. You expected us to do better, but we never could quite meet your expectations. You set the bar impossibly high so that when we missed the mark, you could be justified in your anger. 

I remember parent teacher conferences in high school. Just coming out of severe bullying in Meeteetse, I was fragile and scared. Just the way you liked me. At these conferences, my teachers would say that they felt I could do better in class. You agreed, enthusiastically, that I just didn't apply myself. How in the FUCK am I supposed to apply myself when you were so abusive at home, calling me names and questioning my intelligence?

I gave up on education. Clearly, you were So much smarter than me, why should I even try?

Oh...

And you can shut off the mocking tone of voice and hateful words when you refer to how YOUR actions made ME feel.

You don't get to decide how you made me feel.

You don't get to decide how you made ANYONE feel.

You are hateful, unkind, mean spirited, and have perhaps the ugliest disposition I've ever encountered. And I've experienced a lot.

You chose all of this. You chose to act however you wanted. You chose to use anger as your guide. You chose to ignore the very instructions you insisted we live by... Do as you say and not as you do.

What horse shit.

You are a compulsive liar. And you even cultivated another one!!! Go you!

I know why Jennifer hates you so much. And in way, I don't blame her. 

You ever so cheekily wore a homemade white dress to her wedding. 

And you did it on purpose. You'll never admit it, but anyone who knows a narcissist knows the truth of the matter.

I remember when I was engaged to Kevin. You informed me that a wedding wasn't about the bride and groom. It was about their parents. Holy shit. You self centered bitch. 

I remember you telling me that it was/is MY fault that Larry and Lili didn't want to go to church. Um... No.

I remember you trying to make me responsible for so many of your failings. Fuck you. 

I also remember you touting your chaste life style. Who the fuck did you think you were fooling?

You have never had the right to treat me like you have for nearly 40 years. I am giving allowances for when you managed to pull your shit together and be decent for a while. Even at that, ten years is an incredibly generous chunk of time I am giving you.

I'm furious at how you treated Lili and her babies. You had NO right. Lili is now timid and rarely like herself. That's because you decided that acting like a heinous bitch was MUCH more appealing to you. Nice job. Well done you.

And that stunt you pulled at Jimmy and Kaitlyn's?  Whining and crying that you didn't know what to do. 

You knew that I knew how to help, but because you were scared, you tried to bully me into doing it your way. Again. 

Nope.

I know, more than you will ever understand, how debilitating that fear is. I extended my hand to you more than once. You shunned it. You decided to fight your way through life. 

Well. 

I'm done fighting with you. I'm done asking to be understood the way you demand to be understood. I'm done trying to help find find and hang on to your happiness. I'm done being your daughter. I'm done veing lied to. And about. I'm done giving of my time, my talents, my energy, my life, my belongings to lift you up. 

You're a big girl. You picked this road. You now hafta walk it alone cuz I hate it. I am gonna go walk in the light and enjoy the peace it brings to do so.

You may be the matriarch of the family. Do you even know what the word means? It is a woman who is yhe head of a family or tirbe. This is neither a family nor a tribe. Every single one of your children had to go build their own foundation so they could stand strong through life. You didn't help. In fact, more often than not, you were busy tearing apart whatever progress we ever managed to make. You never led. You kicromanaged and dictated and demanded and abused. Oh how you abused.

And the shittiest part? You encouraged us to believe it was Jim that was abusing us. 

We are done.

Never again will you use the culture of the Gospel to try and shame me. I KNOW I am doing just fine and that Heavenly Father is proud of me. Even in this mess, He is proud of me for finally taking back what you stole from me years ago. 

We will never speak again in this life. And if I choose, we will never again associate after we are resurrected. I want absolutely nothing to do with you again. You have crossed my boundaries for the very last time. 

One last thing...

I know about Larry.