The Trainwreck That Is Me

Sitting here tonight, my breath comes in short gasps.  My thoughts are racing so fast that it frequently derails itself, making me start over to try and straighten out that mess that is my head.
I know how cracked I am... how splintered and down right broken I am. I am acutely aware of my shortcomings, of each character flaw that prevents me from being whole.
I love you so mightily and so fiercely... it's almost as if I am trying to make up for all that I suppose I lack.
My heart trembles at the idea of making my thoughts known and yet, I never stop trying to open up to you and tell you what is weighing heavily on me. And then my brain does that inevitable summersault of telling me that I talk too much and I should be more focused on you, rather than focused on straightening myself out. 
And that is where the derailment begins. 
Everything that I hear is taken literally. I don't know why, but every word is taken in and processed as though there is fault with me and I have to fix it. 
That is why I became someone different for everyone in my life 
So now, my brain tells me to be more focused on you while reminding me that you truly want me to take time for me. 
Great. Just wonderful.
How the heck do I do both???
As I mentioned, this year has been one shockwave after another. Oftentimes, they come so quick that I don't have time to catch my breath before next one hits. 
Sometimes, a single day feels like it is weeks and weeks long. Other times, a day can be gone before I even finish my first cup of coffee.
And that's when the fear begins.
Reading through this this far, I would be frantically trying to get the author admitted into 2P, simply for their own safety.
Until I remember that the author is me and there isn't time for that kind of nonsense. I've been committed before and the prospect of not sleeping next to you is more than I can bear.
I hate being apart from you. It feels like half of me is missing. And yet, I can't help but wonder if you are relieved that you have some time apart from me. I wonder this because I feel completely transparent, like I can't actually hide the mess that is me, despite me trying so very hard to do just that.
Knowing that I am making you sad, or that you miss where I used to be, is so very debilitating for me. 
All I want is for you to be happy. Realizing that you are not completely happy makes me cry, mostly inwardly.
There is such a tremendous amount of stuff in my head. It's exhausting.
And I can't even write it out without sounding like a loony.
Please know that I will never stop trying to be the partner you want, the best friend you deserve.
I love you.

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