Matching the Stories of my Past to the Memories in my Head

Sitting here tonight, my breath comes in short gasps.  My thoughts are racing so fast that it frequently derails itself, making me start over to try and straighten out that mess that is my head. I know how cracked I am... how splintered and down right broken I am. I am acutely aware of my shortcomings, of each character flaw that prevents me from being whole. I love you so mightily and so fiercely... it's almost as if I am trying to make up for all that I suppose I lack. My heart trembles at the idea of making my thoughts known and yet, I never stop trying to open up to you and tell you what is weighing heavily on me. And then my brain does that inevitable summersault of telling me that I talk too much and I should be more focused on you, rather than focused on straightening myself out.  And that is where the derailment begins.  Everything that I hear is taken literally. I don't know why, but every word is taken in and processed as though there is fault with me and I have to fi

My brain is overcome with the myriad of memories that have flooded in since the day Daddy passed. They have been pushing for several months, and while I managed to keep them at bay,  his passing hit me harder than I expected it to.  The first time I met Dad, I was just a tiny girl of 6 or so. He treated me like a princess. Giving me a room of my own and even carrying me in to bed that night. He was tender and kind and in retrospect, probably terrified. He had fallen in love with my mom, who came as a package deal with 4 tiny kids. He was the baby in his family and hadn't spent much time around small children, much less 4 at a time, all the time. I never heard Daddy raise his voice at my mom. While he certainly struggled with us 4, he came in our lives to see broken hearts that he simply wanted to heal with love.  Dad was so proud of all of us. He considered his step children to be his own and never treated us differently after his own biological kiddos came along. He saw in us thin

Rob and LeAnn got married this weekend. Rod and I took a long leisurely drive up through Stanley, then to Salmon for a visit with Summer and her crew, then up and over the mountains to Dillon. We passed through Wisdom and Jackson...  Can I just explain to you the absolute atrocity that is the mosquito in those towns??? These things are not only HUGE, they exist in never ending hoards that appear to want to pick you up and carry you off to feast on you until you breathe your last. Miserable little brutes! We spent the night at Dad's in Dillon. We got up and meandered around, slowly getting ready. I decided against the dress as it was windy and rainy, which equals COLD! Kim arrived and decided on jeans like me. It's nice to have a sister that sees the wisdom in my silliness. Hahaha Rod and I traveled up to Elliston, stopping for a smoke break. Candice spotted us, so she pulled in for a quick hello. She had Uncle Kenny and her grandson with her. They ultimately followed us up.  We

Over the last 4 years, I have had several very spiritual experiences. I've talked about them, but I haven't been writing them down. So this is the beginning. I must write them down, because if I don't, they may be lost forever someday.  And I don't ever want to forget.  I don't want anyone to forget, that I KNEW. Sometimes in the early summer of 2020, I found a TikTok video of a choir practicing in an auditorium I recognized. I had practiced for all state choir in that school auditorium.  The song they were singing was ethereal and beautiful. It touched the deepest part of me, recognizing the sound but knowing I had never heard it before. So I dug through the comment section, desperate to find the name of the piece. It was written and directed by man named Eric Whitaker. The name is Lux Aurumque. Mr. Whitaker created a virtual choir, where people all over the world sang and filmed their parts Acapella, then submitted them online. Mr. Whitaker and his team went throu

Sometimes, in the mid evening, I find myself alone. Sitting in the quiet of my home, I mentally tick off my family members, noting where they are and what they are or may be doing. In the stillness, small sounds whisper up to my ears and creates a melody that is unlike any other. Sitting in the sort of silence, the white noise in the background becomes The Soundtrack to my life. The hiss of the washing machine as it agitates a late load of laundry. The whir of the dryer as it tumbles it's load amid the percussion of the dryer balls. The wind, sometimes a fierce howling thing, but more often, a gentle breeze, slipping through the open doorway or window. The soft thrup of the window screen as it tries to break free of it's frame. The soft swish as it plays tag among the taller grasses. The warbles and whistles of the smaller birds, the cries of the falcons, the call of an errant goose or duck. The click of her nails as Nikki wanders from one spot to the next, then her garumph as

On the 9th of September 2019, something happened that changed the entire course of my life. The story of how it all came to be is multi faceted and difficult to write, but I hope to be able to address each side in future posts.  That day was scary for me. My 2 youngest kiddos and I had come here expecting to begin a new life, just to have things not work out. Again. We'd been staying in motels but the money was quickly running out. I needed to do something fast but was unsure as to where to look. During the evening of the 8th, I made a profile on a dating app. I was so lonely and had told myself I just wanted to be able to talk to someone, to find friends, etc. To this day, I'm not sure if that was me being honest or if I was looking for a miracle. Either way, I got both. I saw a photo a a tremendously handsome man. He had the bluest eyes that seemed to look right through me.  My rule was that I never initiated a conversation.  I broke that rule for those eyes. We started chatt