Matching the Stories of my Past to the Memories in my Head

The past few, well, several, months have been so difficult. So much pain and suffering of my heart. My step dad died suddenly. My grandson was born and then my daughter and I parted angrily. My second daughter leaves in anger. I bring my bonus daughter up from Arizona, with her two girls. She connects my last daughter with my ex husband, then leaves. All without telling anyone. My youngest daughter leaves in anger. I was so tired. But it wasn't over. I then did twelve weeks of an incredibly intense therapy. It was so hard. But I did it.  And I found the source of everything I have struggled with in my life. The source of every tendril, every wisp of ugliness. It's my mom. So many things make sense now. So many things that I've never been able to understand are becoyclear. It's heart breaking. I've never known such a heavy load. And I have never felt closer to my Father in Heaven

I'm angry. And I don't even know how to explain it, it's so involved. I feel like you have been competing with me since the moment you found out you were pregnant. You have always claimed that you knew I was a girl from the moment of conception. What happened, in your head, that made you feel the need to compete with a developing fetus???? What made you choose to be cruel from the moment of my birth? Why did you try so very hard to squash everything that makes me who I am? For decades, I have fought the feeling that I didn't belong. You tried so very hard make me fit in... And you did it by using YOUR standards. You worked so very hard to create a cookie cutter of you. And you ever so thoughtfully included the abuse portion. You CHOSE to stay as you were.  You CHOSE to believe that you knew better than every professional. Because clearly you had all the time in the world to not only learn their profession, but become an expert in it! Medicine, law, human resources, acco...

The Lord has been so very good to me.  I don't feel like I deserve any of it. And yet, He keeps blessing me. Over and over. They just keep coming. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. I looked around and watched others stretch their wings and fly. I marvelled at their grace and beauty as they successfully soared. My fear was huge, and I tried mightily to hide it. False Bravado became the mask that I wore. But every time I spread my wings and stepped off the branch, my wings would falter and flutter, not catching the lift that I needed to fly. More than once, an unexpected gust would tumble me far away from the shelter of His love and guidance. I didn't understand. Tears fell. Pleas for relief seemed unheard. And it kept getting darker. I couldn't imagine anything worse, but worse always showed up.  I broke. I finally recognized how bad it really was. In the exhausted aftermath of the mental crisis I found myself in, when I had screamed myself into silence, I heard Him.  W...

I graduated today. Not in the sense that one would normally consider. I didn't attend formal schooling and I didn't march in a ceremonial procession. I graduated from therapy.  It was a hard won achievement for me and I am immensely proud of myself. I finished up with Cognitive Processing Therapy and that was the hardest I've worked in a long time. But as I worked through the program and did (most of) what I was supposed to do, I began to truly wake up and look around with clearer vision and sharper hearing. My senses, both physical and spiritual, were alert and focused.  Digging out those stuck points was exhausting. I remember shaking and crying as I wrote my impact statement at the beginning. I remember the anger coursing through my body as the memory of endless hurts surged forward. For a long time, I have compared my healing to the villain, Hexxus, from the movie Fern Gully. (Super excited for the live action!) He is an entity that thrives on pollution. He is inky blac...

I looked up the word ‘yellow’ the other day.  I found so many shades of yellow that they had been distinguished by words like  gold honey daffodil. I found words like fire and sand and champagne and lemon and sunbeam and I even found a song. Now imagine someone telling yellow that it’s ‘just yellow’. When yellow is a sunbeam and a daffodil and fire. When yellow is a song. Without yellow, we couldn’t make orange and we couldn’t create green and our world would be far less colourful because of it. Yellow’s true colours are not limited to one thing. And neither are yours. Some days you are dark and fiery and intense. Some days you are rich and bright and vibrant. Some days you are buttercups and dandelions and some days you are champagne and a song. And without you, someone’s life would be far less bright and far less beautiful.  You are you as  yellow is yellow. And the world needs you. Because, no matter what you think, you are not ‘just you’. You are so much more. 💛...

Couch Late at night Highly medicated. Just scrolling through Pinterest reading different Tumblr posts, and one caught my eye. Honors English was going to start reading Lord Of The Flies. Um... So, I did Lord Of The Flies in my freshman English class. It's kind of baffling that it's considered an honors class piece of literature. So I follow that path. I didn't do well in school. Mainly because if it didn't interest me, I didn't care, therefore I didn't try. Math, no thank you. Science, ew. Spanish, meh But oh! The Glories of English Class!!! Of Choir!!! Anything to do with reading or music, I was all in. My soul could soar unseen, where as in the "core"" classes, I was failing to even fly, therefore the subject of disdain and even ridicule from some of my teachers. Whoa... how'd we get here?!? Oh yeah, heh... Medicated. At any rate, perhaps, me not realizing that other people regarded certain things to be of a higher caliber in education, wasn...